Q1. I am a 21-year-old man. Last week, I was oscillating my penis while masturbating. I turned it upside down and sat on it. I heard snap but experienced no pain. Have I fractured my penis?
A. Why would you want to do bhangra with your penis? Pray you have injured it. Do not sit on it again.
Q2. My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of masturbation. Is this possible?
A. No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?
Q3. Suppose two men ejaculate in a woman’s vagina at the same time and she becomes pregnant. Which of the two could turn out to be the father of the child?
A. I suggest you write to the editor and enquire if there is a vacancy in the puzzle department of the newspaper.
Q4. Two days ago I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend. To prevent pregnancy, we bought an i-pill. But in the heat of the moment, I popped it instead of her. Can it cause any complications for me?
A. Next time around, please use a condom and make sure you don’t swallow that too. In any case, you should have rushed to the chemist and got another one as it is effective within 72 hours of the act. The i-pill is meant only for emergency situations and must not be used as a routine family planning measure.
Q5. What if I had sex and then sleep leaving my penis inside my wife’s vagina?
A. What if you just allow your tired penis to have its deserved rest? In any case, the penis will slip out during your blissful sleep.
Q6. I am 22 years old. I have sex with my girlfriend occasionally, but even when I am lying in bed, my testicles keep moving. Is this normal?
A. The testicles doing the salsa are unique. They rest when you fall asleep. I am sure more boys are likely to keep a watch to see if their testicles respond likewise.
Q7. If a man and woman masturbate at the same time, thinking about sex can it lead to pregnancy?
A. There are no angels to carry your sperms to the person you are dreaming about. Fantasy gives you enjoyment, but does nothing more.
Q8. How will a child born from a mix of semen samples of a black man, white man, an Indian and a Chinese turn out?
A. Join a circus to find out.
Q9. I have a small penis and I can’t seem to satisfy my girlfriend. My astrologer has advised me to pull it every day for 15 minutes while reciting a shloka. I have been doing this for a month but it hasn’t helped. What should I do?
A. If he was right, most men would have a penis hitting their knees.
Q10. I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?
A. Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.
Q11. Ive heard that a lizard’s tail grows back when cut. I was curious if the same holds true for my penis?
A. I would not advise you to attempt such an experiment. Your penis is not a tail, and I am quite sure that there will be no volunteers for your research.
Q12. My girlfriend and I have been dating for one year. We enjoy sex. But recently she has been talking a lot about her ex. This has given rise to a strange problem. Every time I try to get intimate with her, I hear her ex’s voice coming from her navel and asking me to get lost. I have done some research and concluded that her navel is a portal to her ex. I love her very much and I want to marry her. But this is worrying me.
A. Tell your friend to tell her navel friend to get lost. You need to visit a psychiatrist. Please let me know your research technique. I too shall try talking to my navel.
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